Sunday, January 29, 2006

Super Bowl dilemma

I'm a Browns fan. It's not by choice. I wish it were, believe me. When you're born and raised in Northeastern Ohio you have two options, root for the Browns, Cavaliers and Indians or be one of those annoying jerks who roots for the Steelers, kicks puppies and drowns kittens just to be different. Rebellion is no reason to buy a Terrible Towel. Sometimes people go too far.

That's why I hate the Steelers. Growing up I quickly realized that the lowest form of human life is the Ohio-born Pittsburgh Steelers fan...that weak-minded simpleton who hitched his loyalty to the Steelers because his daddy didn't love him and his mommy made him dress like a girl until he turned 30. You know that type. All our lives we've listened to these yahoos talk about winning one for the thumb even though logic tells us that championships won 30 years go are not part of a current streak. Deep down inside these are very troubled people who should be locked away from the rest of society. Ticking time bombs.

But now I find myself in absolute misery. I think I might be pulling for the Steelers and it's tearing my soul apart. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing I like more than seeing Steelers fans have their hopes dashed and hearts ripped out. In spite of the fact that I like Jerome Bettis, the thought of Steeler Nation seeing their playoff run destroyed on a fluke play warmed my heart.I would have laughed and laughed if the Colts would have beaten the Steelers on that fumble return. Nevertheless I enjoyed watching the Steelers destroy Shanahan's Broncos and now I think I might like to see Pittsburgh put the screws to Seattle.

You see, as much as I despise Pittsburgh fans, I like the players. I like the coach. Cowher is a guy I can relate to. He's blue collar...old school, if you will. The same is true of Roethlisberger, Ward and Bettis. Even USC's Troy Polamalu (who knew they even had DB's in the Pac-10?) has that workman-like mentality and who can't feel good about Randle-El rising above his humble college beginnings at Indiana, or as I like to call it: What's Football U.

Making it harder to root against Pittsburgh is the team they're facing. I don't like the idea of the Seahawks playing in the Superbowl before my beloved Browns get a shot, but seeing them win would really hurt. Almost as much as seeing Brad and Jennifer split up. I also can't stand the shiny happy people carrying the load for the Seahawks. Is that a football team or the 700 Club? Those guys just give me the creeps and Mike Holmgren flat out scares me. Nobody's face should be that big. Nobody's. When I see him I'm afraid he'll mistake his assistant coaches for Cheese Doodles and we'll witness unspeakable acts of cannibalism on the sidelines. And as much as I hate Steelers' fans, I really can't support a team that represents the city that brought us $10 cups of coffee and a strange new language to order that over-priced java in. And before you mention Nirvana as though that absolves Seattle of trying to destroy the world (the prolific expansion of the Starbucks empire proves this), let's remember that Courtney Love hails from the Emerald City. Kind of cancels out the music, doesn't it?

So what I'm looking for is a way out. How can I enjoy the Superbowl without destroying who I am? Should I pull for the Steelers just this once and try to ignore the impact it will have with the bandwagon fans, or should I swallow my pride and get behind the Seahawks?

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